Can't the holidays just be over already????

At my last appointment, my RE said "Well, at least the holidays are coming up so you can get your mind off things."

Um....not happening.

All I can see around me reminders of the babies I don't have with me anymore. Last Christmas, we announced our first pregnancy believing that we would have a 5 month old at Christmas this year. Our second baby was due the first week in December. My cousin just had her third baby that week. I should still be pregnant and due in April, but I am not pregnant at all.

I keep thinking that people must think I need to get over this, but I am starting to realize that will never happen and this is something much deeper. Someone who has not experienced what I have, could not possibly comprehend the impact that it has on your life. I tend to avoid being around pregnant friends more than I can handle. Not because I am jealous and want a baby, but because I want my babies and feel that their pregnancies remind me of what I have lost. I feel horrible for this, which makes me hurt even more. I am not looking forward to the holidays this year because they will be a reminder of what I have lost this year. I try not to think that way, but it always creeps back.