The Importance of Dates

When you find out you are pregnant, dates become everything to you. I found out I was pregnant on August 3rd, saw the baby August 15th, saw the baby's heartbeat on August 26th, planned to tell work October 1st, planned to tell all our friends October 11th, we would know the sex by Thanksgiving, I would for sure be getting big by Christmas and our baby is due April 15th. All of the future dates mean so much once you find out you are pregnant. So when you lose a baby....or 3, those dates are just reminders of what you have lost. They have a completely new and sad meaning. Since I have lost 3 babies, my calendar is really starting to be hard to think about.

Well, yesterday was October 11th. The day I had hoped we would be telling our friends that we were having a baby. We would be attending a friends wedding that day. I had imagined a friend would notice I wasn't drinking, my husband and I would look at each other and smile and then share our wonderful news. Instead, I cried. Once we got to the church, I immediately began to cry. I tried to hold back my tears, but the pastor just kept talking about how God loves us all and how He wants us to be happy. If God wants me to be happy, why would he put me through so much pain? That is whole other issue. I spent the evening trying to avoid the subject of babies and pregnancy, which isn't exactly easy when that's all anyone seems to talk about. Maybe if I paid less attention to details and dates this would be easier and there would not be constant reminders of our loss everywhere.