My story in a nutshell

The first loss was so hard and I thought I could never go through that again. It was just out of nowhere. I had finally started to believe that I was really going to have a baby. I was 10 weeks 4 days and suddenly, one Saturday afternoon, I started bleeding and cramping. It was the worst pain of my life and I was told by the on call doctor to "wait it out until Monday." By Monday the pain had progressed to full on contractions and after a horrific trip to the doctor's office, it was over. My doctor said it was probably bad luck and that I would probably get pregnant again right away and everything would be fine.

I was an emotional wreck, but got pregnant again. I definitely did not have the same excitement the second time and just thought the whole time that it could not work out. Especially because I was spotting before I even had a positive pregnancy test. I had spotting/heavy bleeding for 7 weeks straight, with u/s every week and blood draws every two days, before the doctors would finally diagnose it as an anembryonic pregnancy. They told me I could continue to wait for the m/c or take cytotec. I chose the cytotec and had one really rough night at home. Definitely easier than the first, but still painful.

After the second loss, I thought there is no way it is going to happen again. I have filled my quota. There is a less than 1% chance that anyone will have 3 miscarriages. I had some spotting and thought AF was coming a few days before I was going to test. I was bummed, but still felt there was something going on. My boobs were sore and I only get that when pregnant. So, the night before my birthday I tested and got my 3rd BFP. I was ecstatic. That original naive, excitement you feel when you first find out you are pregnant was back. Basically everything was going well. I had some light spotting so we had a few ultrasound. We saw a reason for the bleeding and was told that would be fine and we saw a healthy growing baby with a heartbeat. I just knew this was going to be the pregnancy that worked and this would be the baby we would take home. Last week, I felt that I needed some reassurance. I went in and they could not find a heartbeat on the Doppler. I was not too worried because we had not had a heartbeat on the Doppler yet. They wanted to do an ultrasound for later in the day, so I came back imagining how I was going to see a little one wiggling around in there. I had crazy symptoms and I just KNEW this was my healthy baby. But it was not. My heart just broke again when they started the ultrasound and I could tell the baby was not 10 weeks and the heartbeat had stopped. I hyperventilated and felt like my world crashed down.....again. I was the less than 1%. I was so angry at everyone and everything. I was told I could wait for another natural miscarriage or have a D&C. I chose the D&C so that I would not have to go through the pain of waiting and so we could have testing done on the baby. I was terrified going into the hospital, but it was so "easy" compared to my first two miscarriages. Physically, I feel fine. I will have my follow up appointment next week and will be discussing what other testing we will do.

I just feel like no one knows what I am going through and I don't know what to do from here. They only thing I have ever KNOWN in my life is that I wanted to be a mom and have a family. That's it! Everything else can be changed or moved around. I am having a difficult time dealing with all of this and hope that getting it all out in a blog will help me.